I need this tattooed on my arm so I can quickly and constantly refer to this quote.
I am judgmental. This is a good and bad thing. In work and business this is a trait that is a plus. However, when it comes to personal relationships, not so much.
Do you have that one person in your life that does that one thing that drives you crazy? I do. And I hate that I let it get to me. I’m a smart person. I know that’s how they are. I know that they’ll never change. I know that it drives me crazy because they are not following my manual for their behavior. I know that it’s my thoughts about this person that are making me feel this way.
Why then do I let it get to me? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. I’m hoping by writing this and doing a brain dump, I will gain some insight and perspective.
I was looking online to see what others say about being judgmental and came across this quote by Pema Chodron. I’ve seen it before, but when I saw it again I knew that was what I needed to see.
I love this person that drives me crazy. I couldn’t imagine my life without them. So if I love them so much, shouldn’t that automatically include unconditional love? Why do I feel that I have the right to judge them? Shouldn’t I be accepting of all their characteristics? Lord knows that I have my flaws and I do experience unconditional love from people in my life. I want to be able to do this too. Don’t get me wrong, there are people in my life that I do love unconditionally, but I need to add this person to that list.
What is it about this one relationship that I can’t make that connection? I used to think that I was harder on them because I wanted more for them. I wanted them to have it all because I knew they could do better. I also thought that what I was getting from this person was less than what I was putting into the relationship. Uh oh. There it is. Lightbulb moment. I think this is the one that’s causing the problem.
Duh!! That’s it. I’m judging them based on what I perceive them putting into the relationship. I feel like they are not giving back as much as I put in. I feel taken advantage of for the things I do for them. I want my effort recognized. I want appreciation for what I do. That’s so selfish (another of my traits). I should be doing the things I do because I want to do them, not for the accolades I think I should get. You don’t give in order to receive. You give because that’s what you want to do. It’s not their behavior that’s the problem, it’s my expectation of their behavior.
I saw this quote by Dandemis “Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong.” I think that fits perfectly with what I just figured out. I was thinking they were wrong for not recognizing and appreciating me. When really I am wrong in thinking this way.
I feel so much lighter right now. Almost relieved. I’m such an asshole. Blaming this person for my feelings. At least now I see where I can improve my thoughts which will change my feelings. Because really, we are all responsible for our own feelings. By letting others control how we feel, we give away our power. I love being in control (another flaw). And that’s probably why it drove me crazy, I was letting their actions be responsible for my feelings. I was giving away my power. Now I can see the thought error, take back my power, create the feelings I want, and create the relationship I want to have with this person. Brain dump success!
All right kids. Gotta get ready for work. I hope my realization will help you uncover your own negative thoughts that are affecting your relationships.
Hope y’all have a freaking amazing day. I know I will now. Until next time.